My 2009 Transformation

2009 has been a horrible year. But also a fantastic year of growth and new discoveries.

On January 13, one of my best friends lost her new-born son. And I was there when the doctor said, “This boy is already stiff!”  I went into the Nairobi morgue and saw a chopped up man covered with flies and was told to bring my friend’s beautiful boy–called “the body” so soon–into that room and leave him there. Which I did not do, thank God.

I cried every day for weeks. But I learned to look death in the eye–it will happen to every person I know and love, myself included. I also learned about grieving–that we can dive into the very deepest of pain with another person and still survive. I was afraid of sinking into depression, but I knew I needed to grieve with my friend.

Three months later, my immediate neighbor lost their son, who my son had just helped learn to walk. It was all quite sudden, and made me feel pretty paranoid, especially when it was followed by the death of the boy in the apartment below ours. I felt only very, very tired.

During all this, I went to get my thyroid checked–just the usual annual check-up that I had put off for 5 years, after a largish, weirdish-shaped lump was discovered. Could this explain my fatigue? Some further tests were done, including one where a needle was jabbed 4 times into my neck and jerked back and forth, which I was craning back as far as possible and without moving. I was scared. OK–I know it’s not cancer, but what if? What if my kids grow up without a mom? (it wasn’t, and my kids still have a mom)

Then I had a sharp dressing-down by an angry authority figure on campus. My work was belittled, and I felt disrespected. At that point, my feelings exploded. All the old anti-authority stuff blew up. I was angry, upset, hurt, turning it all inward.

I thought it would be a case of the same-old thing that had happened to me four times before. Anger turned inward. No more sleep. Thoughts roiling out of control. My ego expanding, while I furiously try to force it into a smaller size. Stuffing it all down to remain in control, and the terrible energy that takes. And then depression. No desire to wake up and be alive. A turn to medication to soften the blow. A deadening of pain.

However, I took a new step this time. I went to see a trusted professor and ask for healing prayer. I believe those few hours were truly miraculous. We looked openly at this anger, this inordinate hurt and feeling of rejection. We looked at where it came from. We asked Jesus, we asked the Holy Spirit, to come into my heart in a powerful and visual way. He showed up visually in many instances in my childhood memories as well as in my current situation. Jesus spoke his words of blessing, of comfort, love and peace. Jesus asked me to do the same, and I did, albeit with hesitation. I wondered how I could be a blessing, when my energies seemed turned toward protecting myself.

Then we turned to the old demons lurking there. Why not ask them to be gone? We have the power, so why not use it? We found that the spirit of accusation was there, as well as rejection, disappointment and fear. We used our God-given power to ask them to leave. Accusation was wearing a hat. She had a severe, high-pitched, scratchy voice. She was the first to turn tail and jump into a large wooden box with secure steel fasteners. Rejection, disappointment and fear followed her. The box was closed and locked. Then the Holy Spirit made the strong box disappear forever. Vanished.

I had already bought a few sleep aids in case prayer didn’t really work. It did work. I was free. I learned to recognize the same physical feelings whenever the bad guys began lurking. Tight chest. Dizziness. Beating heart. No sound. I learned to pray for myself.

I knew that the prayer was not yet finished. There were still some dark shadows that had not jumped into the box. Darkness lurked at the corners of my mind. I accepted the Spirit’s power and I prayed for myself. Many, many small, dark figures named “anxieties of all kinds” scurried into the strong box, which disappeared once again.

After that, I experienced two severe disappointments. Both times, my felt need for home, for a nest, for comfort, were squashed. Amazingly enough, my old demons did not return. I knew without a doubt that God has something better in store for me. He has a blessing and a ministry and a work for me that is better than anything I was trying to grasp onto.

I did not fall into depression. I fell into God’s love and protection. I trusted. My husband had the courage to prophesy at one point that this time would be different. My professor prophesied that I would become a blessing. And these things are coming true.

I’m sleeping like a baby. I’m excited about the future. I’m praying. I’m offering words of blessing and love. I’m so grateful.

2 comments to My 2009 Transformation

  • Christi, this is really good to read. You have made a big step and this will help you help others like me make the same big step. You expressed yourself well, too. I’m sure this will not be a one-time thing. We never “arrive” but are always “on the way.” I was thinking about that when I read someone’s description of sanctification. I forwarded it to Ben. Also one of the tapes you guys gave me. Also, just thinking about the name “Sojourner Truth.” Blessings. Mom

  • Stephen Taylor

    Christi,
    Thanks for “going public” with this. A great encouragement! God’s continued blessing on you, Ben, and the kids!

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