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When your friend starts to tell you a story about their trauma-filled day, do you normally listen to all the words they are saying–the drama, the emotion, “Can you BELIEVE he was such an IDIOT?!” etc, etc….
That’s fine. That would be listening at the Drama level on the DiSCO listening scale–and it can break the ice and help show empathy. But there are other ways of listening that can take you deeper in your friendship, and help your friend at the same time.
For example, you could listen at the Situation level. Where you allow the person to calm down and give the facts. Your friend may try to cover over some feelings, find some reasonable solutions, and get back to the status quo. Here are the facts, this is what happened, the basic deal. How do we move back to how things were as quickly as possible, maybe without anybody knowing that anything happened.
A deeper way of listening would be at the Choice level. At this level, you are listening for the choice your friend can make. If she were truly loving, what would she want to do? What are the options? Instead of saying “just fix it” we can say “Who do I choose to be in this situation?” even if the situation doesn’t change. This kind of listening opens a door into the deepest level.
And deeper yet is the Opportunity level. At this level, you know that there is a gift in the situation. You are waiting to see what is trying to happen–what new insights are available. What shifts in perspective, what peace. What is wanting to happen here? The bigger the drama, the greater the opportunity that is waiting to unfold.
What is the level we are listening from? Some people are good at pulling us in to the drama level. If we refuse, and always listen at the opportunity and choice levels, we can move much more quickly. How we listen, at what level, subtly shifts the focus of the conversation–and they find their gift.
Thanks to the teaching by Alan Seale – ICA facilitator
I have been traveling around the US for the past several weeks, visiting family and friends. At each stop, I’ve been more and more filled with gratitude. For healing, for peace, for stability. For love.
Having lived outside of my home country for seven years now, I wondered if there would be any sense of belonging anymore, or if I would feel like an outsider.
I’ve been amazed to feel a connection with each person I’ve spent time with–a sense of common humanity and a welling understanding of how great our redemption is. When I meet a person, I can feel whether this same grace is center stage, or waiting patiently in the wings, or still in the understudy dressing room.
Experiencing healing this year has been so powerful. My sister says she noticed a difference–I seem calmer. I notice a difference, too. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m not worried about offending or being offended or saying the wrong thing. I know some of the depth of my weakness–my desire for approval, for example. The way I strive for self-worth as if it were not already a given. And the depth of grace that is more than big enough, so I can rest. So how can I give offense when, having seen the availability of grace, I have been given this new openness, this new compassionate interest, this lack of judgment?
I realized in words this morning that healing is an identity issue. Anger and depression and mania and sleeplessness are there when things seem to be about the personal ME, and creating enough space for myself–a defensive use of elbows to make room for this person who must be OK, who must be understood, who needs to become significant.
But when my identity is to be fully loved and accepted and forgiven, that childishness disappears. The sharp elbows are not needed. The connection is there with others, who are the same–whether they see it or not. Freedom is there to be a blessing and to provide understanding, patience, listening. And freedom to receive that blessing and care from others.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to “fix” people. Wanting so much to help them to forgive, let go of grudges, move forward, stop being stuck. But I know I’m trying too hard when I start feeling a tell-tale tightness in the chest, start repeating in my head the many sermons I would love to preach to a person.
That’s when I know it’s time to go back to myself. Ask for my own healing and joy and recognition of forgiveness and love that is there for me. Then I can lose the judgmentalism and go back to a listening, compassionate mode that allows the other person room to be open and humble and growing.
Do you ever take yourself too seriously? You find yourself feeling ultra-professional, stressed, anxious, thinking about what could go wrong.
What if you were able to turn the serious, and often significant and meaningful things to you, into a game? It may be serious that you need to get out there and find a new job. But can you do it in a way that seems fun? Can you set up the same kind of “rules” and “teams” that you might if you were playing a fun beach volleyball game? Who is on your team? How will you know if you’ve scored a point? Who is going to slap you five when you do?
I met a guy who wanted to stop making critical statements about people. He was serious about making this change. But, instead of kicking himself whenever he made a critical comment, his game was to take a sea-shell from one pocket and transfer it to another. This light-hearted game helped him to start cutting down negativity almost immediately. Within months, he could go for days without having to move his sea-shell. And life became more fun.
Are you taking yourself very seriously about something right now? How could you lighten up without losing the significance?
How do you feel when you react to something? Do any of these words sound familiar? Tense, tight muscles, irritated, helpless, powerless, angry, annoyed,overwhelmed, hateful, in fight-or-flight…?
What about when you respond to something? Peaceful, thoughtful, connected, relieved, sitting up tall, relaxed, thinking about possibilities, un-hurried…?
That’s not to say that going with a gut feeling can’t be powerful, and just the right thing to do in certain cases (read, for example, Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink). There is a time to trust your instincts. And sometimes those instant reactions are correct-grabbing the child before he runs out into the street, for instance.
However, at many other times, that moment–the one between when the reaction floods our body and the actual measured response that we decide upon–is the moment that keeps us from folly and regret.
As Stephen Covey says in his 7 Habits book, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space.” Why not make that space work powerfully on your side?
The following guidelines are taken from www.contemplativeoutreach.org, where you can also sign up for prayer workshops and retreats.
Choose a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within. (Open Mind, Open Heart, Thomas Keating) The sacred word expresses our intention to consent to God’s presence and action within. The sacred word is chosen during a brief period of prayer to the Holy Spirit. Use a word of one or two syllables, such as: Abba, Father, Mother, Amen, Love, Listen, Peace, Mercy, Let Go, Silence, Stillness, Faith, Trust.
Sitting comfortably and with eyes closed, settle briefly and silently introduce the sacred word as the symbol of your consent to God’s presence and action within. (“Sitting comfortably” means relatively
comfortably so as not to encourage sleep during the time of prayer.) Whatever sitting position we choose, we keep the back straight. We close our eyes as a symbol of letting go of what is going on around and within us. We introduce the sacred word inwardly as gently as laying a feather on a piece of absorbent cotton. Should we fall asleep upon awakening we continue the prayer.
When engaged with your thoughts, return ever-so-gently to the sacred word. “Thoughts” is an umbrella term for every perception, including body sensations, sense perceptions, feelings, images, memories, plans, reflections, concepts, commentaries, and spiritual experiences. Thoughts are an inevitable, integral and normal part of Centering Prayer. By “returning ever-so-gently to the sacred word” a minimum of effort is indicated. This is the only activity we initiate during the time of Centering Prayer. During the course of Centering Prayer, the sacred word may become vague or disappear.
At the end of the prayer period, remain in silence with eyes closed for a couple of minutes. The additional 2 minutes enables us to bring the atmosphere of silence into everyday life. If this prayer is done in a group, the leader may slowly recite a prayer such as the Lord’s Prayer, while the others listen.
Instead of a sacred word, a simple inward glance toward the Divine Presence, or noticing one’s breath may be more suitable for some persons. The same guidelines apply to these symbols as to the sacred word. The sacred word is sacred not because of its inherent meaning, but because of the meaning we give it as the expression of our intention to consent. Having chosen a sacred word, we do not change it during the prayer period because that would be engaging thoughts.
Did you know that there is an “enemy within”, which uses internal negativity to sabotage your efforts? When you notice that negative side of yourself getting the upper hand, spend time with your “ally within”.
Ally yourself with that part of your person who believes you can do it. Allow that side of yourself to give affirmations to help you achieve a sense of safety and hope.
If your inner enemy says, “You’re not that talented,” let your inner ally help you respond, “I can have a rewarding creative life.” When you’re inner enemy says, “You are never going to amount to anything,” (sounding remarkably like your mother…), let you inner ally help you respond, “I’ve accomplished a great deal, and I know there are more great things to come. Let me see what great plans God has in store for me.”
The inner enemy and ally concept is taken from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way: a spiritual path to higher creativity.
How does it feel to blame yourself for a situation you are in? How does it feel to take responsibility for that same situation?
Is there a subtle shift in your mind? When we blame someone, be it God, another person, or even ourselves, we are putting ourselves in the victim’s role, trapped and stuck in the past. When we take responsibility, we objectively note our actions that contributed to the situation and decide to move forward with different actions. When we blame another person, our hearts are filled with bitterness, doubt, anger, regret. When we take responsibility, we stand strong and gain freedom and power.
MT 21:21 Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt … you can say to this mountain, `Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
Doubt is a good thing: when we have that uncomfortable feeling and we can just sense that something is not right, we are led to ask some good questions and often shy away from a no-win situation.
Doubt is a bad thing: when we are unsure of the facts, the risks, the benefits, the likelihood of a positive outcome, we can stay in a no-win situation, out of insecurity regarding a forward movement.
In this case, when we rely on facts, data, clarification, professional opinion, clear risk assessments, past experiences, we can move beyond doubt into fear.
We can also develop a strong trust that what our gut is telling us is correct. That God is talking. When we get to that place where we sense a “freedom to be me” with God there with us, things start to fall into place.
“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness.”
“Those who don’t love themselves as they are rarely love life either.”
“To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. Approval cannot be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.”
Rachel Naomi Remen
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